My First Diary Entry
I am, unfortunately, still trying to figure things out
Why do I have nothing to show for life?
I don’t even know where to begin. I am a walking dichotomy.
I say that a lot. It’s my insta bio, and yet… I’m not sure if it even captures me.
I know that I am walking, but am I a dichotomy? I think the contrast begins with my own expectations vs reality. I haven’t achieved everything that I would have wanted to achieve by now.
For more context, I am was, an aspiring medical student. I just didn’t make the cut. People say, “You can still do it, don’t give up!” For so long, I held onto these encouragements, weaved with my own beliefs of my capacity. However, 5 years after high school I’m surrendering my dream. The same 5 years that would have passed did I achieve medicine straight after highschool.
I’m now a female in my 20s who realises that she has bigger dreams than being a doctor. I have a biological clock that is ticking. I want to be married for a couple of years before I have a kid, but that requires me to be married… How much is a wedding? Do I even want kids? Wait, but my career isn’t established yet. It’s giving Rachel on her 30th birthday.
So am I a dichotomy?
Man, I really wanted to do medicine. I don’t know if I will be satisfied with anything less. This goal of mine is not just any goal… but the one that has been my personality since I was 5 years old. So many decisions I’ve made have considered becoming a doctor. It has been so defining, and to let it go, makes me feel unaccomplished. I am a female in my mid-20s, and I already feel like a failure. But should this dream be so polarising, that I will let my childhood goals make me see myself now as unfulfilled? Well… I feel that’s a journey I need to explore.
Am I a walking dichotomy? With some reflection, understanding and a little bit of self-forgiveness, I’m hoping this diary will help me become less dichotomous… I’m hoping some expectations can meet reality, or at least shift my mindset so life won’t feel so unfulfilling. As I write, I can self-reflect, as can you!
Hi, I’m Malabanana, and welcome to my diary.
1. Why this, why now
To be finally posting this, with the first edit made on the 28th of November, a whole year has almost past. Really, I come in and out of these moments of inspiration. These revelations are fleeting. So fleeting, I feel the weight of all my feelings… yet my thoughts are incohesive. It’s like trying to unravel a skein of yarn - sometimes you tug on the damn thread and it won’t unravel. Sheer will and power are not enough, some thought is required to carefully, and patiently, unravel the damn skein. Those are my thoughts, all tangled together, it would take time to confront the mesh of thoughts and the linked feelings.
So from what I’ve gathered from these breakdowns, I see how I am unsatisfied with where I am now.. and I want something more. I have always been ambitious. However, these goals are all in the mind, as it’s been so difficult to make them happen. It’s like looking at a pencil outline on otherwise blank paper. There is so much potential, yet… do I have the talent to make the vision happen? Do I have the motivation, no, discipline? I have never questioned myself more than after leaving high school and seeing my life not pan out as I thought/dreamed/strived. My thoughts wander. The beginning of the paragraph has nothing to do with the end. TEEL… But for once, I want to make it happen. I want something to happen, in my otherwise… unfulfilled life. There are chapters upon chapters on my prequel, I want my story to start… I want you, as my witness, see something to happen in this life.
2. What kind of community are you looking to build here
You may be like me. Born with expectations set by your parents and as you developed your own understanding, the crushing expectations of self. Drowning in the ambitions your 5-year-old self set out for you. Figuring out how you can have it all when time isn’t on your side. In your 20s, and your career is still in the making. In your 20s, your love life isn’t quite how you expected. I’ve grown up being told not to compare myself with others. But… sometimes I can’t help it. I see where my friends/family/(exes) are, and I can’t help but feel like I’m failing. My intrusive thoughts may be yours in different fonts.
You may be like me. This diary is not of someone who has made it… but it’s not for the lack of trying. Struggle with me, and hopefully, we can look back and see how far we’ve come. One diary entry at a time.
3. Be specific
I have no clear outline of how this will go. I decided I wanted to start a blog, and here I am. Let’s be clear, I am no writer. My assignments be a hit or miss but then again idk if that’s a structure issue, content, organisation?? idk, I run from constructive criticism. All I do know is that I want to keep the anonymity, for now, I feel that’s the only way I will be able to share freely. Maybe weekly diary entries, not necessarily about my week but my thoughts flowing as they do out of my brain, without a lot of editing. Sharing more on my views on:
Disappointing the 5-year-old self, who set out the ambitions you are striving for… or
given up onoutgrewImpact of parental expectations on me
Trying to shift mindsets
Actual diary entries - I’ve got stories to share…
Relationships, ooft, this would be a good rants
Maybe a chapter-by-chapter story I've had brewing for a while
Well, how do I reach peeps if I want to keep my anonymity? I will rely solely on anyone who’s keen to share.
